3 Reasons it’s Normal for GenX’ers to Feel Lost and Restless in Our 40s/50s (And How to Find Hope)
If you were born between 1965 and 1980 (roughly), you are part of what is known as “Generation X.” Even if you’re someone who (like me) generally doesn’t like labels, it can be useful to reflect on the time periods and significant events that shaped our childhood years as a collective age group. So, I quite like the GenX label and most of the characteristics that come with being a rebellious, aloof, laidback, t-shirt-wearing, music-loving, independent GenX’er.
And, it can also be helpful to identify with a collective group of folks who are going through the same general life stages.
GenX’ers (as of the writing of this article), are now 43 to 58 years old. Smack dab in the middle of some pretty big life transitions. From kids leaving home for college, to taking care of aging parents, to being single and continuing to age independently, to worrying about retirement, to reaching the apex of careers.
There’s a lot going on at this stage of life. On top of that, many GenX’ers are feeling like something is “off.” When we hit our 40’s and 50’s it’s surprisingly normal to start to feel lost, trapped, and restless. Nonetheless, these feelings can leave a lot of us wondering:
What’s wrong with me?
Why can’t I just be happy?
Who the hell am I?
How did I get here?
Where do I go from here?
If any of that sounds familiar, you’re not alone. Roughly 65 million other GenX’er are wondering the same kinds of things.
I want to normalize these feelings of being lost, trapped, and restless as we navigate our 40s and 50s . . . make some sense out of why this may be happening. And . . . give you some hope.
Because here’s the thing: although this is normal, you don’t have to keep living this way.
In the words of 80’s hair band, Twister Sister, “We’re not gonna take it.”
We can navigate this phase of life with a little more ease, once we can understand the cause of these feelings of being lost, trapped, and restless.
Competition Has Left us Unfulfilled
The first part of life, in a word, is about “competition.” We are wired and socialized to prioritize competition so that we can accomplish “stuff” and be accepted by others.
Competition starts when we’re kids, as we vie for our parents’ attention. Throughout school, we continue to compete for friends, approval, attention, and grades.
We have to compete to get into colleges; find a job; find a partner; and, all along the way, continue to try to compete for acceptance by society, friends, and family.
The first part of our life is ruled — consciously and unconsciously — by competing to produce what author Robert Johnson calls in Owning Your Own Shadow: Understanding the Dark Side of the Psyche, a “cultured life.” (p. 49).
“By middle age, the cultural process is mostly complete — and very dry. It is as if we have wrung all the energy out of our character . . . . We are suddenly subject to explosions that have the power to overturn the product we have worked so hard to create.” Johnson, Robert. Owning Your Own Shadow: Understanding the Dark Side of the Psyche. New York, HarperCollins, 1993 (p. 49).
The nasty side-effect of spending 40 or 50 years in competition mode, is that we ultimately are left feeling lost, restless, and trapped in a life that we’ve spent the first part of our lives competing to build.
Competition ultimately leaves us feeling unfulfilled and dissatisfied with the life that we’ve worked so hard to build.
No wonder we’re so exhausted!
Connection is Calling to Us
As this lifelong habit of competition starts to suck the life out of us, something else is happening: we start to notice a call for more connection in our lives.
As a general undercurrent of unfulfillment and dissatisfaction sets in, our brains start to crave more connection — a survival mechanism wired into us. Connection makes us feel safe. And after decades of throwing ourselves into the proverbial ring to fight for a life we believed we were supposed to create, our exhausted selves long to feel more safety and connection.
We long for connection to others, to something bigger than us, and — most importantly — to the forgotten parts of ourselves that we’ve buried along the road we paved with competition.
The real pisser though is that in our 40s and 50s, we now find ourselves stuck between our habitual pattern of competition and our longing for more connection.
This creates cognitive dissonance because our life doesn’t look like how we want it to look. In turn, this leaves us feeling out of sorts, agitated, restless, lost . . . and for some of us, wondering if we’re supposed to now blow up the life we spent decades creating.
But don’t hit the red button to blow up your life . . . not right now anyway.
Values Shift
As we move from a phase of competition to a phase of more connection, our values naturally shift. What was once so freaking important on the road to success, now feels like a ball and chain on our ankle (at best), and leaves us feeling empty inside (at worst).
This only adds to the cognitive dissonance we’re experiencing. It’s like we’ve just come out of the spin cycle and don’t know which was is up.
What does my life look like if these things are no longer important to me?
This cognitive dissonance around our values can feel even more disorienting if we’ve never consciously chosen the values that we want to guide our lives. So many of us have lived the first part of our lives according to what we were told should be important by family, church, culture, society, schools, etc.
We’ve spent 40 or 50 years largely living by the values of other people and systems. Values that we never consciously chose for ourselves.
And now that we’re feeling this shift from competition to connection, we’re also sensing that our values — conscious or unconscious — don’t quite feel right anymore either.
So, what do we get when we mix lifelong competition with a longing for more connection and a recognition of shifting values? We get feelings of being lost, trapped, and restless.
The Good News
Now, after all that . . . let’s take a moment for a big deep inhale and exhale! Don’t spin out . . . there’s some good news buried in all of this.
The good news is that this is totally normal. Although not every 40- and 50-year-old will experience this, and no one will experience it in the same way, we can at least find some comfort in knowing that this is a natural part of the progression of life.
Studies show that happiness generally continues to increase through our 50s and beyond! Yay for that!
The second piece of good news is that this disorientation in our 40s and 50s is — like everything in life — temporary. We won’t feel this way forever.
And, at the same time, how we’re feeling in this moment can be pretty heavy. That heaviness can make it hard to appreciate the impermanence of these feelings.
Plus, the intensity and prolonged experience of these feelings can create a strong pull to blow up the lives we’ve created. To quit our jobs, leave our marriage, have an affair, try some crazy shit, go off into the woods by ourselves for weeks on end, etc.
So, how do we navigate this phase without totally blow up our lives (unless a blow is precisely what is needed, but let’s not go there quite yet)?
There is Hope
There are so many practices that can support us through this time, but for now, let’s reconnect (or maybe connect for the first time) to your Core Values.
The invitation of our 40s and 50s is to tune into what really matters to us now.
I have an entire process that I take my clients through to discover and align with their Core Values. But for now, my invitation is for you to start reflecting on:
- What must you have to feel fulfilled?
- What can’t you live without in your life?
- What lights you up?
- When do you feel most in flow or alive?
Then, keep track of words that feel like values to you. (Use a journal or the “notes” app on your phone). Brainstorm. Don’t worry about editing or even if it makes sense. Jot down words call to you, excite you, make you feel alive or grounded.
Finally, over time, try to narrow that list down to 3 to 5 Core Values. There likely are values that are related. Group those together and then determine the one Core Value that encapsulates the other values in that group. Keep doing this until you have 3–5 Core Values.
For example, one of my Core Values is Growth, which includes fitness, finances, education, spirituality. Another Core Value is Freedom, which looks like vacations, financial freedom, personal liberation.
These Core Values can be your guiding light — your North Star — into this next phase of life.
These Core Values will be the barometer for the changes you may want to make to your life.
Your Core Values are your hope.
Discovering and aligning with your Core Values is what will guide you out of the fog that is your feelings of being lost, restless, and trapped at this point in life.
We GenX’ers are right where we’re supposed to be in our 40s and 50s. And, at the same time, it can be uncomfortable to be here.
Know that this is normal.
Trust that this is temporary.
Lean into your longing for more connection.
And listen to what deeply matters to you now at this stage of life.
Michele L. Walter is a Certified Professional Coach, Certified Mindfulness Meditation Teacher, and owner of Life From The Summit, Mindfulness and Coaching. She writes about topics that speak to the forgotten GenX’ers who have spent the first part of their lives forging a path to success, only to now realize that they’ve lost themselves along the way. Michele is passionate about guiding these lost and restless 40/50-year-olds back to themselves and what deeply matters to them, so that they can forge a brave new path forward. If you like this article, please consider sharing it or even supporting Michele’s work by buying her a coffee. And come join the Life From The Summit journey to receive weekly insights, resources, and tips.
